Don’t worry they said…

Do not be anxious about anything.

For some people, these six words are just that — six words — nothing more, nothing less. Yes, they have the occasional bout of worry or stress, but nothing serious.

For others however, these very same words are harder to swallow and difficult to grasp, let alone live out.

I have been “saved” since I was 8-years-old. I am now 35-years-old and in the time between, I have been through my share of ups and downs with the Lord. My relationship with Jesus is a constant shaping process. My relationship with the church is always stretching and my relationships with others are often sharpening and sometimes seasonal experiences.

Needless to say, life with or without Jesus, is hard. There have been times when I have opted out of speaking to Him, spending time with Him, seeking Him on matters, soaking in His presence. I’ve seen how much harder life was without Him. So inevitably I would run back to Him and the peace that I’d find with Him — surpassed all the other times when I was “Living My Best Life” without Him.

Amidst some broken promises and bad relationships with seemingly good Christian boys, I decided I’m done with this good “Christian girl life”. There must be more. More life to live.

It was during such a time, a season of rebellion on my part, when I went to search out greener pastures, that I later found myself in need of that divine peace again. I was living in another city, indulging in the fast-paced life of no cares, no rules, no church, no time with God, no boundaries and no accountability. I was earning a great salary which aided my fun-loving lifestyle. I was working long hours in production and felt justified in living out that “Do You Boo” mentality.

While I was in this state — which for others would be everyday life — I was smiling on the outside but crying on the inside. I knew my actions were hurting the heart of God and a lifestyle that He had called me to live. And I knew I couldn’t keep this sort of life up anyways…it was exhausting.

I began to experience spells of anxiety — tight chest, headaches, sweaty palms, muscle spasms, insomnia, emotional extremes, nausea. It would come for an hour or two, then disappear. OR it would last two days on and off. If not more…. for weeks on end. I came home to my parents, got a job and thought that would help. But the dark days returned off and on. I would be rushed to hospital to check out if there were any other reasons for my breathing issues or dizziness or stomach issues. But no, the doctor would say — it’s stress and anxiety.

For almost 2 years, I would get so mad at myself. I used to be free and fun and easy going. But it seemed the older I got, the more seriously I took life — to the point where I was too serious and I robbed myself of joy and laughter and divine rest.

If I wasn’t anxious about my work or bosses or career trajectory, I was anxious about getting older and not being married and knocked up! If that wasn’t on my mind, I’d be anxious about my stomach problems and my finances, or my family dynamics and relationships and wanting to live in my own space. Or the fact that I wasn’t travelling or reaching my fitness goals.

Suddenly, life became inexplicably difficult to handle and even good times were somewhat marred by my inner turmoil. I was smiling on the outside but on the inside, I was crying.

And even though I had changed my priorities and again set my eyes and heart on Jesus, there was residue of my rebellion left in my body, it hard tarnished my soul and left me bruised and hurting. I had to face the pain and deal with disappointment. I had to begin my journey back up the mountain.

It’s been almost a year since I felt that dark — then yesterday happened. All-of-a-sudden I began to experience those feelings again. But today I was reminded of Philippians 4:6–7 and I thought to myself with a slight chuckle: “That’s easier said than done!” And it is. But in the rest of the verse, God tells us what to do to get that peace that we so desperately desire. All we have to do is focus on Him, talk to Him, thank Him and let Him take the lead.

I have recently begun to train myself, with the Holy Spirit’s help, to operate in the opposite spirit. It’s been hard…because it’s not my natural default setting. When I’m mad I want to be mad and shout and swear and stomp my feet. I don’t want to say sorry first and be gentle and soft and understanding. But I have learnt that when I don’t give in to ME — I let HIM shine through.

It isn’t denial of a situation, it’s putting faith into action and realigning our bodies, tongues, thoughts and minds to truth and not circumstances. The same has been true for me in regard to anxiety and depression.

Now, I’m not downplaying those who are struggling with depression or anxiety disorders — I know that it can be debilitating and require medical help. I’m certainly not a doctor or a religious guru.

I am just sharing my journey.

I’m not who I was at 20. I’m also not who I was when I was rebel Tam at 32. But I am acutely aware that even in the darkest moments of wrestling with life — and everything that comes with it — I am learning to lean on Jesus Christ.

I’m realising how much I need Him. I’m falling more and more in love with Him. And amidst the tears, the pain and uncertainty, I have to fight for and continually find my peace in HIM. My desire to make much of Him ever-increases…even in the battles.

If you are struggling today with any form of fear, stress, worry…pain — find a moment to talk to Him. He is always listening. He loves you. He can be your peace too.