Regret. It’s one word but it has a whole lot of emotion attached to it. It’s all those ‘If Only’ moments in life, that linger for far too long.
Psychologists describe it as a negative emotion with effects on one’s emotional, cognitive, and neurophysiological health. All these BIG words to say something quite simple really: REGRET = PAIN.
Now during these unusual and dare I say abnormal times of Corona (if it were a person I would kill it dead! Slap the b*$#@ first, then kill it dead!), I have been adhering to the social distancing rules and strict lockdown laws in our country (South Africa if you didn’t know), I have worked diligently from home and kept a cool, calm and collected demeanour. In short — I’ve been a good girl. I was handling my shit. I was keeping in together in a very ‘un-together-time’.
I was even proud of myself, giving myself virtual and sometimes physical — pats on the back for a job well done! I was able to keep sane while staying cooped up in a house with my parents for over 50 days straight, while raising a puppy (which no one told was even harder to deal with than a freaking newborn baby!) All this, while still working from home and learning the ins-and-outs of this new job and new career path, that I just managed to get into 3 months ago.
PHEW…A lot is going on. So, with not much else to do, except watch series and scroll through Instagram and Facebook, I became far too aware of everyone else’s life and started comparing their situation to mine. BAD IDEA.
So, here I am at 3am having a bit of a panic attack — when I realised that this one is married, the other one is on baby no. 3, and the other is living overseas enjoying a less restrictive level of lockdown. Oh and in between all of this — there are a few others who (bless their sweet hearts) are still having cute date nights at home or via zoom, because #Blessed #inlove #socialdistancecantkillrelationships
ARGH,the heart palpitations, the ache across my chest which wasn’t a heart attack but that familiar feeling of heartache. The shortness of breath, the cloudy mind and the knot in my stomach…all seemed to take over my body in an instant. And the one thing that kept ringing in my head was during this moment of panic and distress was this: If. Only.
If Only. If…Only… If only I hadn’t stuffed up my relationship with that guy the one time, maybe I would be married and with kids — instead of being 38 years old and staring down the barrel of spinsterhood and barrenness!
If only I had changed careers sooner, I would’ve been further along in my career and financially stable. Which mean I could’ve helped my parents out with their finances and blessed them with trips overseas like other awesome children do.
I wouldn’t have to watch as my 68-year-old father goes to work in the darkness of the morning, in rain and wind everyday — to look after his staff and make sure his company stays afloat. If. Only.
If only I had been savvy enough to have save or invest and made something of myself so that I didn’t have to feel guilty that I’m still leeching on my parents for longer than even nature should allow.
If only… If only I had taken care of myself better and didn’t sit with back aches and neck pain now. If I ate better then maybe i wouldn’t be sitting here now — with added kilos due to being stuck at home — thanks Corona!
If only I could make my parents proud. If only I didn’t start smoking in the first place. If only I hadn’t entertained his advances and given my purity away. If only I could have made better choices from the start. If. Only.
These are things I’m trying to process during these ‘Corona Times’. These are issues I’m dealing with and trying to learn lessons from.
One of the lessons I am beginning to grasp right now is this:
Regret is a killer.
It can strangle your present joy and kill your future hope.
People often say they don’t regret anything, they just move on. OR they reckon that you only regret the chances you didn’t take. I think regret is an emotion, just like all the others, And at some point in your life, you will experience it too. Why? Because it’s called being human and — unless you’re a cyborg — you’ll feel the sting of it at some point in time too.
It’s not always about the choices you didn’t make, it could be the choices you’ve already made too. Either way, moving forward, it’s what you choose to do with next, that matters most.
Lingering for too long can cause bitterness, anxiety, and depression and, and, and… It can become a long and dark downward spiral. And guess what — I felt myself heading into one.
Then I re-read a favourite story of mine in the Bible. In 1 Samuel 1, we find a woman named Hannah who is married to a guy who also has another wife (cause back-in-the-day it was cool) and this other chick was a baby-making-machine. But poor Hannah wasn’t.
She was as dry as the Sahara Desert and that’s hella dry! Anyways, after years of being taunted for her barrenness and being look down upon in society, she reaches breaking point and heads to the church of the day — to pray. She’s there all up in her feelings — looking like a hot mess, so much so that the priest of the house actually accuses her of being drunk and disorderly. But she wasn’t. She was just heartbroken, hopeless and — to my mind — filled with pain and regret.
If only she could have a child, everything would be better. If only her womb worked as it should. If only God hadn’t forgotten her. In fact, she prayed to God asking Him to remember her. Then after her messy breakdown, she wiped her face, got herself together, praised God and went on her way.
Nothing changed externally, but internally she realigned her focus off of herself and her regrets and onto something bigger than herself = her God.
Later in the story — the priest sends her away with a blessing and wouldn’t you know it — she has a kid! In fact, she had several after that. The story is quite an interesting read — go check it out here.
Point is, I was encouraged that even when life is a bitch (yes, I said it) even then… I can go on. I can wipe my tear-stained face, leave the ‘If Onlys’ at His feet, get myself together and press on.
In time, God will change the situation. In time, I will feel better. In time maybe, I will have the things I desire — OR — maybe not. Whatever is planned, is in His hands. It’s my choice to linger in regret or move on. I can feel it, acknowledge it and the parts I played in it, and then pray about it and move on. And that’s exactly what I am continuing to do now.
If you’re living in regret and loneliness during these ‘Corona Times’ — reach out to Jesus or at least to a trusted friend or family member. Don’t suffer in silence. Don’t stay with you sights locked onto that rear-view mirror.
If you’re breathing, then your journey still continues. You story is not finished.
Don’t let regret win.
